Mesmerized
For years I had waited,
I’d dreamt of ways to fill this empty space,
Fostering the insecurities that hollowed it,
Tripping over my own feet, stumbling upon myself.
A phone call was all it took,
A single phone, and my attention was focused,
My prayers were answered,
My soul rejoiced,
Beautiful brown eyes, and passion dancing behind your lips,
I was mesmerized the first time we were together again,
Your smell, and the softness of your touch,
The earnest looks, and the way your head felt on my chest,
I was home, I found it,
My heart had already longed for you,
And in that moment, you stole what was left,
Elation, warmth spreading through my entire body,
Thawed from their slumber, my emotions rejoiced.
Your butterflies danced in my chest,
The world had been lifted from my shoulders,
And I was face-to-face with everything I had wanted,
It was within my grasp, I need only to take hold,
And so I did.
The plunge came naturally,
There was no effort, no force,
Your love filled my veins,
Breathed life, and shone light on my darkest places.
You filled them with warmth,
You filled them with love,
With understanding,
With you.
The feelings grew as the days flew by,
Caught up in the whirlwind that is you,
Lost in your small gestures,
Holding firm, never to let go.
At times, thoughts tinged with darkness return,
They slither under my skin and coil around my heart,
Constricting, and crushing, the air won’t enter my lungs,
I’m left gasping, praying that this feeling leaves again.
I do not miss these feelings,
Years I spent suffering within them,
I refuse to allow a slow slide back,
They will not win,
They whisper anxieties into my soul,
Reminding me of what is to lose,
And how fleeting feelings can be.
They remind me of all that I am not,
All which I lack,
And in those moments, I lose sight of the me I am with you,
The real me, the one that is happy, the one that is safe,
The fear of having this ripped from me burns strong,
My closed eyes offer greater insight,
The thoughts race through my head,
Of your dissatisfaction,
Of your disappointment,
Of your unmet expectations,
Of those who could give far more than I,
Of those who would give far more than I,
I see your happiness with those my mind conjures,
Nameless, and faceless you love them the same,
I feel the fear, its primal, and raw,
I argue, trying to drive these notions from my head,
Only to enrage them, I feel their grip tighten.
I cry softly to myself in these times,
The sorrow erodes my control, and I give in,
Sometimes while I watch you sleep.
Sometimes while I lay in bed alone.
I flush with the embarrassment afterwards,
Unsure of how to reconcile the happiness, and purity of us,
With the sadness, and fear that consumes me in those moments,
The fear that I wake up, and you’re gone.